Jews Can't Play Football
by super manako sohma
Summary: Cartman finds Kyle's reaction to his latest Jew joke very amusing. Not slash.


Mana here. My sister gave me the idea for this, so credits to her. Yeah…Kyle laughs at hella lame jokes! And gasp, at Cartman's jokes! Hey, he's a funny kid, Kyle's gotta laugh at him sometime (not in a Schadenfreude manner, though that's fun too).  
Dude…WoW. I got the free trial and now I'm hooked! I got up to level 13 in 5 days! But I think I'll just stick to the free trials…I don't really feel like paying monthly for it so support a habit, though it is a fun game.  
And yeah, it's pretty damn hard to throw a football perfectly…we played football in PE a couple weeks ago and my hand's too small for the ball T_T but I managed to learn how to do it correctly.

Jews Can't Play Football

Stan invited Kenny and Cartman to Stark's Pond after school on crisp autumn day. Football season had finally come at last and no one could be any happier than Stan.

They had been playing catch until the sun started making its way behind the Rockies when Kyle arrived.

"Hey dudes," Kyle waved to the trio.

"Kyle!" Stan smiled, "I thought your mom made you do chores."

"Yeah but I finished early so I could come and play with you guys."

"Sweet!"

Cartman muttered something inaudible.

"Fuck off, Cartman," Kyle threw casually. Insulting each other had developed into a habit since they were babies.

"Here dude, catch."

Stan threw the football at Kyle. It was a rather large sized ball to small children such as themselves, so he caught it by wrapping his arms around it, pressing it to his chest. The recoil from Stan's throw sent him back about a foot.

"Sorry," Stan smiled apologetically.

"Nah, it's cool." Kyle tried to throw the football back to Stan, but it flew through the air loftily and landed a few feet away from him.

"Goddammit," Kyle mumbled.

"Lemme show you," Stan picked the ball up, "ok, first you wrap your hand around the back of it and then bring it up to your ear. Then when you throw it, you gotta rotate your body and use all your strength."

He threw it back to Kyle in that manner.

"Ok."

Kyle gripped the end of the ball as Stan had demonstrated and went into the same position.

He tried to throw it like Stan, but it ended up flying in a totally different direction. Towards Kenny.

"SHIT!"

Kenny caught the ball, but unfortunately Kyle threw it pretty hard, and the recoil sent Kenny falling backwards, impaling himself on a fallen twig.

"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"

"You bastards!

"Goddammit you suck, Kahl," Cartman said, kicking Kenny's corpse away from their playing area.

"Shut up Cartman!"

"Lay off, you guys," Stan told them as he threw the football to Cartman.

The reason why he scheduled a day where they could hang out without Kyle was specifically because of this. It's not that he disliked Kyle; he just wanted to get a chance to hang out with Cartman as much as he hung out with Kyle because believe it or not, he did consider Cartman somewhat of a friend.

And one thing he hated was seeing his friends fight.

"Jews can't play football," Cartman said after catching it.

"Don't belittle my people, fatass!"

"Do you know why Jews can't play football?"

Cartman threw the ball roughly to Kyle.

"Footballs aren't kosher."

All the color from Kyle's face had suddenly disappeared. He dropped the football without caring that Stan was anticipating a catch on the other side.

"I-I," Kyle stuttered, "I'll be right back."

And then he took off into the woods.

"Nice going fatass!" Stan approached Cartman and shoved him, "you had to fucking push it, didn't you?"

"What? It's true," Cartman effortlessly pushed Stan off of him, "footballs are made of pig's skins and Jews say pigs aren't kosher."

"That's only if they're eating them!"

"Well how else does he suck at football?"

"Goddammit you are so fucking stupid!"

"Well sorry!"

Stan picked up his football, "screw you Cartman, I'm going home!"

And Stan left.

Cartman was left alone in the middle of the clearing, where he stood there for a minute before deciding to go and find Kyle. He didn't care about him at all, no. He just wanted to make sure that he was ok, because if he didn't come home in time, he knew he'd be at fault, because Stan would definitely serve as a witness to the "incident" in Kyle's defense.

He wandered around the wooded area until he spotted that familiar green shapka and orange coat.

Kyle was leaning against a maple tree, resting his forehead against his arm.

_Oh crap,_ Cartman thought, _I really fucked up this time._

He approached the Jew with caution.

"I'm sorry Kahl," Cartman recited, "I didn't mean to use your religion as an excuse that you can't play football."

Kyle let out a breathy sound and a shake.

"Goddammit Kahl I said I was sorry!"

Kyle didn't turn around to acknowledge Cartman's "apology." Instead, he fled deeper into the woods to escape his foe. Cartman raised an eyebrow, not expecting Kyle to be that upset. Curious, he decided to follow him.

The Jew was a pretty fast runner, Cartman didn't lie. He had already followed him to the edge of the forest, where signs of the small town begin appearing.

_Are you serious?_ Cartman thought.

Finally he was in distance of Kyle, who had just turned a corner near the elementary school, hoping he could lose Cartman there.

"Kahl," Cartman panted, "Kahl, seriously, turn around!"

Kyle had begun slowing down, much to Cartman's relief, and he used that extra bit of strength stored in his fat to finally catch up to him.

"KAHL SERIOUSLAH!! I SAID I WAS—" Cartman grabbed his shoulder and turned him around to face him, expecting him to be red-faced and teary. His face was definitely red, but instead of anger in his eyes, it was laughter.

"W-what?" Kyle choked.

Cartman's pupils narrowed at the site. He was _laughing_?

For all of Cartman's life, he had never even thought of the idea of Kyle laughing at anything he said, because all that time, he'd been trying his best to make Kyle miserable verbally.

"Goddammit Cartman," Kyle tried to get out of his grasp, suppressing more laughter.

"No wait Kahl, "Cartman held him back, "are you laughing at what I said earlier? About how footballs aren't kosher?"

"N-no," said Kyle trying his best to keep a straight face.

"Oh my God, you _are_!"

Cartman began laughing along with him.

"You thought that was funny? You think I'm funny, Kahl?"

"NO! It was totally lame!"

"Why are you laughing then?"

"Dude! I'm not laughing!"

Unfortunately for Kyle, he had just reached the limit on holding in laughter that it began to spill out in tremendous amounts.

"You ARE!"

"I'm laughing about something else!"

"No you're not! You think I'm funny, admit it! I'm freaking hilarious and I tell awesome jokes."

"YOU'RE JOKES AREN'T AWESOME!" Kyle laughed out, "They're lame and totally offensive!"

"Then why the FUCK are you laughing? You know you're laughing about how Jews can't play football?"

"Wait, what is this now? Jews can so play football!"

"Nuh-uh, footballs aren't kosher, that's why they can't play!"

Kyle held his hand to his face to prevent another outburst.

"See? You _do_ think it's funny!"

"Ok, you wanna know why? Because what you said is so fucking retarded! I'm laughing about how incredibly stupid it sounds and why the hell you're even bothering trying to make a joke out of it."

"Suuuuuuure."

Cartman smirked at Kyle, who was trying his best to look serious.

"Screw you, Cartman, I'm going home," Kyle turned his back to Cartman swiftly and set towards his house.

"Just admit I'm funny Kahl!" Cartman called out from behind.

Kyle didn't turn back to counter; instead he continued forward, and if Cartman wasn't mistaken, he could hear the Jew's musical-sounding laugher ringing in the distant.

XX

Ever stop to think that footballs aren't kosher? It was a though that's been plaguing my mind for the past weeks…but I know that most footballs today are made out of…not pigs =D  
Although I am Catholic, I do not really care for pork…I tell people it's my "inner Jew" haha. But…I just don't like how there's a little too much fat and not enough meat. Same thing goes for beef, but I love it. I don't know. I'm really picky with red meat! I do like bacon and my cousin's pork barbecue, though!

Awesome, awesome. How about some reviews?


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